For Old Time’s Sake
I got a call friday from an old friend and mentor asking me to help him out at his church this weekend. I used to attend the church, and there is quite a bit of family history (mostly good, but not all of it) at the church despite only being there for a few years. I decided to oblige… after all, i’ve been meaning to go back just to say hi to the several friends I still have there and I’m always up for helping a friend when called upon… (sure, he could’ve gotten someone else to help out, but heck, i was at least on his list… third of fourth down, depending on how you count).
It was a bit of a reunion for me in the sense that everyone that I played with Sunday (I was filling in on electric) I have played with for years… the drummer was a scrawny 14 yr old when I helped him get started in our youth worship band… now he’s about 20 and looks like he could kick my arse pretty easily… (doesn’t help that I’m … uh… *cough*fat*cough*)
But it got me thinking about friendships and stuff. Here I am, back in a church that was a catalyst to a very difficult and stressful time in my life (i left on good terms with the people there, but I wouldn’t call it a “clean” exit). I look around at all of the faces that I would still consider friends, even though many of them I haven’t talked to in years, and I realize just how few of those relationships have cultivated in a church setting since I left. This is not to say that I haven’t cultivated these types at all in the last three years, but there have been very few real relationships birthed at the church I currently attend…. Two, in fact, and they’re married to each other… and they don’t attend the church anymore (that should be enough hints).
I used to feel (and “preach”) that if you weren’t cultivating relationships, generally it’s because you’ve been passive about it. Whether your passivity is from shyness, from building walls, or whatever… We’ve started life groups, dove head first into a youth ministry, gone on church trips, and attended various extra-curricular church functions… hardly passive… and have very little to show for it relationally.
I’m not complaining, it’s just weird.
You could even argue that while my actions have been active, my heart has been passive, and in some cases, maybe so… but I dunno… just weird.
and with my wife feeling the same way, i’m not sure where it leaves us.
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For me, leaving and old church and lots of relationships - I was struck by how much those friendships were based on arbitrary geography. We happened to be in the same place at the same times. When it was over, that “active” part couldn’t overcome their “passive” when that geography was no longer present. It was sad - you think you have friends, but it’s really just about “who’s here”?
But I think it goes both ways. Since our move there have been people that I’ve continued to keep touch with. And most of them were the ones I figured that I would. But there there were some that you felt “close” to, but they’ve not kept up with you nor do you feel a strong desire to keep close tabs on them either. Of course, you go back and think “we should stay in contact better!”
I think we are all like Legos. We each have only so many “connecting pieces”. Those little nubs on the legos. Some of us have more than others. And if someone is really social or outgoing, maybe they’re one of the legos you use for the base of a building. But…when all your little connectors are filled up, you don’t really have room for anyone else to connect with you in a deep or significant way.
Does that make sense?
Like anything we set out to do, we have to be intentional. I have to say that for me, that’s really hard to do when life gets in the way. If you feel fulfilled with the relationships you’ve built, you can afford to take it easy, but they also require maintenence to keep them running. I know that there are several connections with friends that I need to definitely be more intentional with…But not this week, I have the flu..
I’m sorry, but those sound like cop-outs to me. Experientially, I felt like I was still giving into a relationship. But since we didn’t cross paths, it wasn’t worth it on the part of “friends” to call back, to email, to meet for lunch. Just the way it is - law of diminishing returns kicks in if you don’t want to connect over more than arbitrary space and time. On the other hand, this has been a good 18 months where I’ve re-connected with high school and college friends beyond geographic lines, and that’s been as much cool as the other way sucked.
Both comments
- just sound like we’re giving too much leeway for losing our bearings relationally. I feel very much like this: “We’ve started life groups, dove head first into a youth ministry, gone on church trips, and attended various extra-curricular church functions… hardly passive… and have very little to show for it relationally.”
i just spoke with rick and had him clarify… he thinks both blake and amy are throwing out cop-outs… just for the record… now my follow up take:
re: Rick - “Geography” does play a role perceptively, but relationships truly built are rooted deeper. Any of these guys from the “old sakes” church could call me up, despite not talking for a while, and I’d do my best to help them out, be a part of their lives, etc… I can’t say that about the ones I am geographically close to right now. This kind-of both supports and debunks what you are saying, so I dont think we’re so different here at all, especially in light of your latest comment.
re: Blake - I’m not sure I agree with your lego concept. Its pretty interesting and make sense in a lot of ways and in a lot of areas in our lives, but i don’t think “socially outgoing” = relationally active in a meaningful way. We only have so much time in the day, so maybe thats where our connections run out.
re: Amy - I agree that we have to be intentional with our existing relationships. But we (dionna and I) have been intentional in a lot of ways and no NEW relationships have really cultivated beyond the one couple who will remain nameless.
All this to say, i think it’s been pretty thoughtful comments all around. and perhaps not “cop-outs” but varying perspectives.
Naah - yours is a cop out, too, isn’t it? “Relationships truly built are rooted deeper” - you’d think this would be the case. But think over the course of your friendships how many of those would be friends if you didn’t cross paths on a regular basis. Then take that number and subtract about 90% - because as much as you think you’re pouring in and giving and receiving from the other, that 90% of “rooted deeper” friends are just as ready to say, “go with God”, as anything else.
I think what I want to get at, but my ignorance gets in the way, is that no matter how muvh you pour in, and no matter how much you think the others are pouring in, you really don’t know who your friends are until something is removed.
Well, at least Rick is an equal opportunity copper-outter.
But I still like my lego analogy. There are plenty of people I’d do whatever i can to help them out if needed. But there is only so much time and energy and resources I have to give. I can’t be best friends with 20 people much less than 45 people. So as I am in my 3rd place of making a living, there are 3 cities worth of people and contacts. Add high school and college stuff in there and the list can grow.
And as I’ve moved back closer to some people those relationships have become stronger yet again because of….conveniences? These are people I trusted to talk with from a distance and would trust with deeper things of my life. But now that we can share a meal or face to face conversation a lot easier, that relationship has deepened or re-deepened.
There are people that I contact that don’t contact me back as much. And probably vice versa too.
It could just be the delirium from my fever, but I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this conversation. Are there not friends in your lives who you don’t see on a regular basis, but no matter how long you stay out of touch, the relationship just picks back up with ease whenever you finally do in fact, pick it back up? I know that I have several friends in my life like that. (Granted, it takes a lot of time in the beginning to create the foundation for a relationship like this) And how can this relate with how we view our fellowship with God? We as fallen humans often neglect our one on one time (I know that I do) with our awesome creator,, but when we do return intentionally to find Him, He’s always there ready to hang out again. Is this making sense? Or do I need to just take another tranquilizer and go back to sleep?
amy… i’m so with you… i was having a tough time following this one too…
but basically i spoke with rick off line and he was basically saying that the bigger question is “Am I being the neighbor God has called us to be? Or focusing too much on trying to get others to be our neighbor?” (Good Samaritan)… which is a question that he struggles with and is a good question…
but it was also a bit of a rabbit trail… Rick will do that to you… just take a tranquilizer.
I’m there, too
- and my rabbit trail runs in circles, I guess. Yes, there are relationships that do just pick up, and others that I’ve been into aren’t all that. So there’s something more going on than J’s original “passive or not” - and in the meantime, and I just being neighborly? Something like that.
Sorry for creating a disturbance in the force. My sorta bad
hey, i just think its kinda cool that a post about something other than sports or politics got a bit of a discussion (albiet a slightly confusing one).
it’s interesting to talk about the geography of friends. i just came in contact with a friend from middle school who now lives in australia, but we talk more than any of my friends/family any where in the states. i think it just really takes initiative and desire from both parties. that’s the only relationships can flourish. i think that’s part of the reason we can “pick up where we left off” with some people because they desire the relationship as well, but life gets in the way. my friend from childhood, 3rd through senior high, moved away to college and i’ve only heard from her once in the last 9 years (and that’s not from lack of trying). why? i don’t think it has anything to do with geography…it’s desire of both parties.