Thanks to Rick, I’m 1/3 of the way through Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer. It’s raising questions in my heart and challenging me spirtitually… Not in a “get up and go face the world” kind of way, but in a “sit down, rest, and soak God in” kinda way. I don’t quite find myself exactly where Jim was when he learned to “shed religion to find God” (the book’s subtitle)… as I’ve always been a bit anti-religion and anti-institutional religion (i.e. – church dominating the “spiritual” life of believers).

Of the five chapters, four have been great reminders of the beauty of God, but not in the way that we generally think of it… Sure the mountains, oceans, sunrise/sets, all help us see the beauty of God, but I think we hear it so much that we take it for granted and don’t generally mean it. The visual is so engrained in our religion that its just general banter… well for me at least… it’s a much different picture of beauty when gazing at a father reading a storybook to a mentally and physically handicapped daughter… while the daughter is unresponsive and offers zero reciprocating displays of love (be it physical such as a kiss or emotional such as “i love you”), the father simply loves her for who she is… he sees ”priceless” when the world sees “useless”…

Taking all this in, a torrent of troubling thoughts rose from somewhere deep within me. Would God still love me if I couldn’t do even the basic things I had learned a good Christian does? … What if I couldn’t even go to church or have a quiet time? What if I couldn’t progress any further in my spiritual life? What If i were barely even capable of having an intelligent thought about God? …

The easy answer is “Oh, of course He still would love you” but we don’t always act that way… An avid reader and friend tells me regularly “The best questions aren’t always the ones that have answers, but the ones that lead to other questions” … Palmer’s questions above lead him to these pertinent questions…

What if i’m the girl slumped over in the wheelchair? … What if [God] just wants me to lean against His face and receive His love? What if this phantom Christian I’ve been chasing is just a big distraction from resting in what God wants to free give?…

And my own “what if’s”…

What if school is just my attempt to please Him and right my laziness of the past?
What if my struggle with spiritual self-worth is largely contigent on activity rather than faith?
What if my daughter knows more about God than I do because she truly has faith like a child?
What if I continue in my ministry at church just because I don’t want God or leadership to think I’m a quitter?

And some “hows” as well…

How can I find a balance of ministry and life that enjoys freedom rather than feeling chained (by a variety of things… money, time, fear, lack of confidence)?
How do I see others? Through the eyes of religion? or the eyes of the father? Do i see “useless” or “priceless” in those around me?
How do I ensure that I am pursuing things out of my love for God and not out of a humanly desire to please Him and be accepted by Him?
How will my wife feel when she hears these questions through a blog rather than a conversation?

Do i really have to answer all of these?